CRAZY! That is the perfect word to best describe me as. Being the youngest of five Children, with an absent father is not easy growing up. I've always had everything I wanted and everything go my way or all hell would break loose. Not kidding either! I was a spoiled little brat, still am but I now know how to compromise with others. lol. I would definitely say I am the rebellious child and does what I want when I want. Yeah I hated school, never wanted to attend any classes all throughout high school. I never thought in a million years I would be in college. I dropped out of high school and just kicked it where ever it was at. Although I did live at home.
So when I turned 18, in 2009, it was a wrap for me! Started a new journey in Salt Lake City. I then stayed with my older brother and his family. I literally thought I was doing big thangs since I moved out from my home that I've been living at for the previous eighteen years of my life. haha. But this is when I was partying HARD! To make my mama happy, I finished high school May 2010. A month later, I was on my own. Got an apartment down the street from my brother Pete's place. Currently working at Walmart, didn't even last four months and I had quit because I enjoyed sleeping in and partying too much. I was getting wasted all the time. I had nothing going for me at the time. Or at least that's how I saw it. My mom would always tell me to go to school, or go to church, or even work. Now that I think back, I don't even know how my rent was being paid. But, I always threw my mom an excuse for why I couldn't go to school, or go to church, or even work; school, didn't interest me; church, I felt like the devils child; work, I had no transportation. Months go by and I always use the same excuse "no car to get around".
Finally then we came to an agreement if my mom got me a car I would work, go to school and church. In that very order I had told her that I would start working on it once I had a car. It came to January 2011, she got me my very first car. I called my 2009 Dodge Charger "baby". What did I do, not work, not school nor church. I was busy driving back and forth from Salt Lake to California literally every other weekend. I also got my first speeding ticket about a month after I got my car. That wasn't the only one though. Picked up a few within the next couple of months. It was when I got pulled over for the fourth time in Park City, I had been taken to jail for old warrants that I had never taken care of. I was terrified of the officer saying "hands behind your back". My heart dropped! I'm being read my rights and tears are just falling down my face. I was 19 and this was my first time ever going to jail. One thing about me is I never like to show the "soft side" of me. So for me to add this in, I know I've changed. lol. I spent the whole night crying in booking, not knowing when I will ever get out. This is when I thought about how my life was going. I promised myself I would change for the better. I kept praying to God that if I got out, I promise I would never do the same mistakes over. Its like I wanted a second chance right then and there. This was probably the first time I couldn't do what I wanted to. I could not even sleep even though I wanted to, it just wasn't gonna happen. Morning came along and my eyes were hurting from all the crying. One of the officer had told me I was getting bailed out. That was something I could NOT wait for. It was like every minute was going slower. My brother's girlfriend Roz came to bail me and we went straight to the impound to get my car out. Everything was handed back to me when I got out. I was so happy to be free, yet let alone to have everything given back to me. I knew I had to make some changes fast otherwise I'd be back in trouble again.
I had a court date for my warrant in Salt Lake and had to pay off a speeding ticket I had gotten in Bountiful. By this time I kept telling my mom that I was going to take care of everything in Salt Lake and move out to her in the Bay Area so I could stay out of trouble. July 21st, I was headed to court in the city of Sandy. I'm getting sweaty and nervous as I enter the courtroom. There were only a few others there besides Roz and I. I was maybe the third one up. When I got called to stand up at the podium, I can feel myself stumbling inside not knowing what will happen within the next hour. The judge was speaking and it was like semantic noise that my ears were receiving. "Go ahead and take the defendant into custody" were his exact words, as tears began to run down my face looking back at Roz, the only who came with me to court. I felt like I had just got bailed out of Park City Jail and I was going back into jail, this time Salt Lake County Jail. Of course I was crying the whole time because I was scared and didn't know how long I would be in for. I was thinking it would be like the last time and get bailed out that day or the next day. In booking, I got to make calls and talk to whoever for free trying to see if anyone was gonna save me this time. Roz called around to bail bond people and got bad news that I couldn't be bailed out. She told me I had six months to serve and the judge ordered no bail on my sentence. I just wanted to run free from there, punch the brick wall, throw an object, fight someone, yet all I could do was CRY.
Roz never gave up on me though, made calls to many different lawyers for opinions and help and got what we needed to have another court date set up for my case. After a month serving time, I was eligible for a program what we all know is "house arrest". I took that opportunity without a doubt! Being on house arrest for a month, my court date has finally arrived for my case to be heard. I was being released from the ankle monitor program as long as I did my community service hours I agreed to the judge and got credit for time served in county and while on "house arrest". Those two months have been by far the hardest point in my life trying to make it by. Within that time frame I had a lot of time to think about what changes I needed to make and what my plans would be once I was free again.
Drinking has always been a problem for me. I always wanted alcohol though. I was drinking again once I was free. However I did get a job a month after being released, and was preparing for the University of Utah. I was taking care of my community service hours at the U while studying to take the ACT for summer semester of 2012. I was giving myself to work for money and prepare for school because my mind has been lost in partying too long to function on books. So life was pretty much going good for me. Had a job at The Tanger Outlets in Park City, was preparing for The U and trying to make it to church every Sunday. Life was sailing smooth for me at this point (Oct 2011-Feb 2012).
March 2012 I moved out here to St. George to follow my older brother and his family again. lol. April fools is when I got into my second car accident. I felt as if just when my life was starting to get better, it gets shutdown real quick. This has to be another eye opener for me to change my life for the better. I also injured Roz, my only passenger. I had feel asleep on the freeway coming down the I-15 from Cedar trying to make it back home.
I finally was enrolled at Dixie State College for the summer semester and started in May 2012. I felt like I was one step closer to something worth doing and something that will keep me out of trouble. Fall comes around and I have my court date in Cedar for the accident that happened back in April. I am sentenced to serve ten days in Iron County Jail. Luckily the judge worked out a deal that I can serve weekends because I have school throughout the weekdays. It was this time that I didn't cry because I knew that I was going to be out soon and I've already been through jail.
My second weekend serving my jail time, I'm talking with the girls sharing stories and laughing, enjoying each others company. When I first heard about "The Secret", I was interested from the start. I looked it up on YouTube as soon as I got home Sunday night being released at 9pm. This film is about "laws of attraction" and how it can easily benefit each individual if we simply follow the steps in the film. Just recently I started thinking on positives instead of negatives. I simply set my mind to having a good day before I went to sleep. I would think of all the things I would get done without any distractions and be in a good mood. The very next day, I finished my English paper without even logging onto Facebook, I didn't even complain one bit. I've come to notice that if we do focus on the things that we want and put our mind to it, we can achieve our goals. I used to be the type of person to be lazy and be like eh whatever. Now I motivate myself that I need to be doing something everyday whether it is school or work or even working out playing a sport or something. Life's too grand just to not do anything.
So now I finally feel like my life is heading in the right path. I currently attend school part time and just got a part time job being a "Lab Assistant" in the Commons Building. I try to involve myself with anything that has to do with school. I find myself not drinking as much as I used to or barely even any alcohol at all. I spend more time with family and enjoy being sober. At this point in life I promised myself, I wouldn't think of negative things anymore, nor would I just throw opportunities away. Struggling and unstable was me for the past two years before I moved out here to St. George. When I first moved out here I HATED THIS PLACE! I never wanted to be, only reason why I came was because I wanted to be closer to my brother and his family. I always looked for a reason to travel back up north or even to California. When I got hired last week, that was when I made it official that I was going to make things work for me in St. George.
I know that I was a trouble maker growing up and a pain in the ass to my mother and siblings. In my own words I was a "bitch", straight up, no sugar coating anything. Now I don't expect everything to go my way. Seems like a lot less drama if I would just compromise with others around me. lol. Seriously, I had a lot of time on my hands, been through many mistakes over and over, hurt my family financially and emotionally, and now is the time I am ready to make them proud of me.
Depending on how I am dressed or type of mood I'm in, people will think of me differently. I know people think I am intimidating. Tattoos, tall, brown skin, a little on the heavy side and just have that mean look. Errrr! Whatever people think of me is usually wrong. My attitude depends on how people are around me. My personality is on a whole different level. Looks can be very deceiving though. People get surprised how friendly I am once they get to know me. Or in other cases, some are afraid to even talk to me. I have no idea what is so intimidating about me. Am I stereotyped as "big poly girl"? Maybe. This is when judging comes in. We need to learn about others before we even start judging based on appearance or even race.
When asked others what they really thought of me, their responses was no surprise to me. Bitchy, hardheaded, understanding, caring, loud mouth, bullshitter, helpful, dysfunctional, dramatic, cultured, neat, non-judgemental, fair, muscular, courteous, awesome, cooperative, encouraging, entertaining, and lucky is what others really think of me. I didn't get offended when they told me their true thoughts. I know I can be tough at times, but I know they know I have a huge heart and love hard. The struggles I've been through only made me a stronger person and honestly I do believe that everything does happen for a reason.
